Sunday, October 26, 2014

I'm scared of the possibilites and of the unknown

Fear controls me.
Making me who I am
And who I'm not.
But I can't hate that even though I don't like writing it, because its one of the elements that has made up the parts of me that I am.

I'm afraid of being alone. Of losing my best friend.
I'm afraid of having kids. Also not having kids.
I'm afraid of someone saying "I love you, I'm just not
in love with you anymore."

I'm afraid of small talk because I'd rather just skip to the part where you tell me your life is not easy and neither is mine and sure the weather is important sort of but your feelings are of more worth to me. I'm afraid of them not liking me, because I'm too hard on myself to be great 25/8 and I don't want to disappoint you. Because I'm also afraid of what that face looks like. I'm afraid of confrontation and fighting. I don't want to lose you.

I'm afraid of making decisions and change. Because with both of those things I have only a 50% chance of something good going right. and all my life they've taught me 50/100 was failing.

It sounds silly and so many can't understand. But...
I'm afraid of not making enough memories. Of not "living life" enough or fully because they just keep telling me life goes by so fast, and one day you'll wake up and you've lived your whole life. And that scares me, I don't want to look back and realize I lived the same year 75 times.

And contrary to what I previously just said, in that life, I'm afraid of the start of things and I'm afraid of the end of things.
(I know please don't laugh, I'm very much indeed a difficult case)
Afraid of graduating because that's the end of something. And afraid of college/life after high school because that's the start of something.

BECAUSE: hellos take courage and so do goodbyes.

And honey please do not tell me fear is just a feeling and I can get over it. Indeed I should accept the fact that there is both beautiful and terrible things in this world. 
but I'm fearful of the light and the dark. Because I cant get myself to trust the unknown.

So maybe I'm lacking everything in bravery. But I checked my report card and in the subject of "FEAR"
I have an A.

I hope to have an A in bravery too...


1 comment:

  1. the part about 50/100 being failing. I have an A in fear too.