I'm scared of the possibilites and of the unknown

Fear controls me.
Making me who I am
And who I'm not.
But I can't hate that even though I don't like writing it, because its one of the elements that has made up the parts of me that I am.

I'm afraid of being alone. Of losing my best friend.
I'm afraid of having kids. Also not having kids.
I'm afraid of someone saying "I love you, I'm just not
in love with you anymore."

I'm afraid of small talk because I'd rather just skip to the part where you tell me your life is not easy and neither is mine and sure the weather is important sort of but your feelings are of more worth to me. I'm afraid of them not liking me, because I'm too hard on myself to be great 25/8 and I don't want to disappoint you. Because I'm also afraid of what that face looks like. I'm afraid of confrontation and fighting. I don't want to lose you.

I'm afraid of making decisions and change. Because with both of those things I have only a 50% chance of something good going right. and all my life they've taught me 50/100 was failing.

It sounds silly and so many can't understand. But...
I'm afraid of not making enough memories. Of not "living life" enough or fully because they just keep telling me life goes by so fast, and one day you'll wake up and you've lived your whole life. And that scares me, I don't want to look back and realize I lived the same year 75 times.

And contrary to what I previously just said, in that life, I'm afraid of the start of things and I'm afraid of the end of things.
(I know please don't laugh, I'm very much indeed a difficult case)
Afraid of graduating because that's the end of something. And afraid of college/life after high school because that's the start of something.

BECAUSE: hellos take courage and so do goodbyes.

And honey please do not tell me fear is just a feeling and I can get over it. Indeed I should accept the fact that there is both beautiful and terrible things in this world. 
but I'm fearful of the light and the dark. Because I cant get myself to trust the unknown.

So maybe I'm lacking everything in bravery. But I checked my report card and in the subject of "FEAR"
I have an A.








I hope to have an A in bravery too...

someday.

Here's to hoping

And I want you to care.
Want you to notice.
Scream cry yell punch. Anything.
I want you to feel something, DO soommeethhinng (you've been so numb) and this is how I'm feeling and I've been thinking for Christmas I want a punching bag cause I got a lot of emotions. Of pain and dissapointment and sadness and I'm not sure how to express that without silently letting it erupt within me.

But each day I wait cause everyday is a second chance and a new day (so we say) so I wait for a sound. Even if it's not what I've been wanting to hear. But nothing seems to show...
Because feelings are the gum under the desk. Annoying, disgusting, and in the wrong places.
And I want to say I hate you while saying I love you. I'm so emotionally exhausted.
Because do you even see my effort?
Let me give

Give


Give



Give.
Draining all of myself.
For you and having to fill myself up again. and again. and again. because you haven't been there. It's creating holes in my bucket to the point where I can't fill myself up all the way now without most of it draining out. And its getting so heavy and I need you to care. To tape the holes shut and make me fill full again. Help lift it up. Help lift me up.


Oh but it's getting so exhausting.






Hoping.

traffic in the sky

and they should really invest in getting street lights

and stop signs

cause it's getting awfully busy up with the clouds.

 

 

I'm looking up,  pulling myself up there,

we all are.

our hearts, eyes, and minds

you'll find them there here.

 

 

That's why its so busy.

 

 

He says I'm wasting my time,

"Stop daydreaming."

 and

 "Get your head outta the sky."

 

 

But he's a hypocrite. He's up here too.

Everyone is.

 

We all think "this place is our own."

Yet we're all really sharing it and that's how we're all able to connect down below.

 

But it's difficult to do so.

 

Sharing my place...filled with the heart, eyes, and mind of my ever being.

 

 

There's traffic in the sky and it's clouding up my vision.

 

but we're all just gonna have to make room,

 cause I like it up here best.

 

 

here layed a self made kid

 

indeed she is perfect. jussttt a little bit out of her mind.
you missed it.
lets list it.
- .....
nah nah nah lets just stop there.
                       
cause you care about being different....

 

       And im trying to be different.

<be different>

>eb tnereffid<

 

 

 

But I'm not a poet nor writer. no matter how badly my heart longs for the words as well as my hands waiting for that moment to burst with the energy of magically writing something

great. I haven't found that label that everyone's got. 

kreate-eve

am i unable?

probably.

 

let me inspire you, would you? I'd like to.

Here's the lesson taught to the kid.

just because your mom told you were great doesn't mean that you really are. silly boy.

Let me tell you who does. Your peers and your fears.

Because of course they're the ones who want the success for you, sees that potential that's inside of you. not mom.

 I want to be gold but they're telling me I'm bronze. And when did colors depict value. And all this because I wanted to be all the colors you could name or see and more so. I decided right then,

I'd be a self made kid.